Coping with Loss

      Spring is in the air. Birds are singing, animals are frolicking, and even in this time of growth and renewal, there is always loss. Our lives are made up of a number of transitions. We are born and transition to life outside of the womb where we learn to communicate with others, to walk, to run, and eventually to grow. We all experience the transitions from childhood to adolescence, to adulthood, and eventually even to death. During those stages in our lives, a number of things change. Some we can control, others we can't. And with every door that closes, there is another that is opened. However, sometimes the closing of that initial door is harder than others. At times we may never notice it closing, at other times it slams shut so forcibly that we are startled, and sometimes we have a hard time recovering from the shock we are given when the door is closed unexpectedly. I'm going to step out of the realm of metaphors for a moment and talk to you about loss and grief.

     Grief is a process we go through whenever loss is experienced. Grief is most well known when death is involved, but it's not just a process that deals with death. You can grieve the loss of just about anything in your life, and grief is often experienced in times of transition. The loss of a job, the ending of a relationship, even moving from one place to another can trigger feelings of loss and the process of grief. There are even happy moments in our lives that may cause sadness and grief. It's a wonderful and magical time when a child is born, but the mother may feel a major loss in the process, after all she was just carrying that child inside her own womb and caring for it in a way that no one else on earth will ever experience. So even though the child is now out and able to grow and interact with the world at large, the mother may need to grieve for the loss of that intimacy with her child that she will never again have. It's perfectly normal to deal with feelings of grief and loss multiple times throughout your life. But what are those feelings and how do we deal with them?

     Grief is experienced differently by each individual person and can have a wide range of emotions and effects. Often people feel empty or numb immediately after their loss. Some people experience physical symptoms such as nausea, trouble breathing, dry mouth, insomnia, or problems eating. Some people get angry and have emotional outbursts. Many people feel guilt or feel the need to assign guilt to someone else. Often, a single person can go through all of these or just a few. As such, recovering from grief can be a very personal journey too. Some people find that their friends and/or family help to ease those feelings. Others just want to be alone to work through their grief. Some people dive into their tasks in an effort to forget their grief and just move on. A number of psychologists have developed models dealing with the stages of grief. The most well known is likely the 5 Stages of Grief developed in 1969 by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. She developed this model initially to deal with bereavement, which is a specific process of grieving the loss of a loved one. However, she later altered it to deal with all forms of loss. In her model there are 5 stages, and according to her studies everyone goes through at least 2 of these stages. Her 5 stages are:

1- Denial
     This is the stage where you may say things such as “this isn't happening” or “this can't be happening.” This is a normal defense mechanism that allows us to move through the initial wave of pain. For most people, this is the immediate response and can be likened to a kind of shock.

2- Anger
     Usually, people move through the stage of denial and into anger. This anger may be directed at ourselves in the form of guilt. Or it may be directed at others, or even inanimate objects or complete strangers. In our anger, we assign blame, or feel resentment. We may even resent the person who we lost for leaving, even if it was not their fault.

3- Bargaining
     In this stage, we often use “if only” statements, and we think of all the things we could have done differently to affect a different outcome. We often secretly make a deal with God, attempting to hold off the inevitable or to negate it all together. This is another stage accompanied by guilt. This guilt is often directed towards ourselves and our lack of ability to save our loved one or change the situation.

4- Depression
     Typically, there are two types of depression that come with grief. The first one is a more practical reaction, worrying about the cost of a funeral or divorce or even worrying that you're neglecting other loved ones while you're dealing with your current loss. This type of depression is usually alleviated with a little reassurance and some clarification. However, the second type of depression is typically more subtle and more personal. It's our own preparation to say goodbye, readying ourselves to start our new lives.

5- Acceptance
     Not everyone reaches this stage. Most of us have a hard time getting over our anger, or moving past denial. This stage is a stage of sadness and withdrawal, but often allows us to make peace with our situation. This is where  you accept that you will feel sad, but will be able to move on and continue to live your life without guilt.


     These stages do not necessarily occur in order, and  a number of people will revisit a few of these stages years down the road, or off and on throughout their life. However, it's important to understand that we all experience at least a few of these stages of grief when we feel a loss, or experience a transition. It's important to allow yourself to experience these stages. To move through them and to feel them. Some time ago I posted a guide to accepting the negative emotions in your life, this may help you to understand that these feeling are perfectly normal and healthy.

     If you are having problems feeling your grief and dealing with your loss, seek help. There are a number of amazing counselors out there that are trained to help you move through these emotions. There are also herbs that can help you to feel comfort, though just the act of making a simple tea can be a comfort in and of itself. Grief and loss is often referred to as heartache or heartbreak. Herbs that are gentile and beneficial to the cardiovascular system can often have a beneficial effect on our hearts in times of grief as well. Some herbs are also known to soothe our nerves, which can also help comfort us through grief. Herbs that are most well known to help during times of loss include Rose, Violet, Motherwort, and Linden. If you are dealing with anger, you may want to look into Lavender or Chamomile to help calm you down, both of these herbs work well in a tea or you can use their essential oils and diffuse their scent throughout your home. Citrus is known to lift the spirit and can be beneficial during times of depression when dealing with loss. Orange, Lime, Lemon, or Grapefruit make beautifully cheerful teas and the smell of them can often be enough to lift you out of a depressed state. There are also flower essences that can help you move through the process of grief. Reach out if you feel you need help.

     I hope I have provided a little help and support for your time of loss.  If you have any questions or comments please leave them below.

Resources:

5 Stages of loss and Grief: Psych Central: https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

A DIY Herbal Grief Tea for Loss: The Herbal Academy: https://theherbalacademy.com/herbal-grief-tea/

Coping with Grief and Loss: Help Guide: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

Easing Grief with Bach Flower Remedies: Aldaron Essences: https://www.aldaronessences.com/easing-grief-bach-flower-remedies#!

Flower Essences for Depression and Grief: Body Mind Spirit Online: http://www.bodymindspiritonline.com/bodymindspirit/edition23/flower-essences-for-depression-and-grief.html

Grief: Bach Flower Remedies: https://bach-flower.com/pages/bach-flower-remedies-grief

Grief- a Combination Remedy: Blessed Flower Essences: http://www.blessedfloweressences.com/Blog/products/combination-essences/grief/

Grief, Loss and Bereavement: Good Therapy: https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/grief

Herbal Support for Grief and Loss: Herban Wellness: http://www.herbanwellness.net/2018/01/15/herbal-support-for-grief-and-loss/

Herbs for Grief: Steady Health: https://ic.steadyhealth.com/herbs-for-grief

Herbs for Grief, Heartbreak, and Loss: Siobhan Cosgrave: https://siobhancosgrave.com/herbs-grief-heartbreak-loss/

Herbs for Grief, Sadness, and Broken Heart: Wellness Insider Network: http://www.lanacamiel.com/herbs-grief-sadness-broken-heart/

Herbs for Heartbreak: Mountain Rose Herbs: https://blog.mountainroseherbs.com/herbs-heartbreak

Homeopathy for Grief and Emotional Trauma: Natural Medicine: http://www.naturalmedicine.net.nz/homeopathy/homeopathy-for-grief-and-emotional-trauma/

How Do I Grieve? Grief Work and TEARS: Dr. Christina Hibbert: https://www.drchristinahibbert.com/dealing-with-grief/how-do-we-grieve-grief-work-and-tears/

How to Deal With Grief: Dr Bradford & Associates: http://drbradford.org/grief-and-loss/

Tips to Help Yourself in Times of Grief: Very Well Health: https://www.verywellhealth.com/working-through-grief-10-helpful-tips-1132522

Negative Emotions

     Sometimes I think I may rename this blog to “Confessions of a Florida Herbalist.” Not really, it's just that I seem to open up and confess a lot of myself here. This post I'm confessing that I am a metalhead. Yes. I listen to metal music. The more aggressive, the better. I don't always look like it, and my personality doesn’t always come off as being very metal. But I am. A lot of people, upon finding this little fact out, ask me how I can listen to music that is so full of anger and aggression and retain my “chill” and composure. It's simple really. Metal music helps channel out my negative emotions so that I can better interact with the world-at-large without wanting to strangle people. And that's what I want to share with you today. How to accept negative emotions and not fear them or let them end up running your life.

     American culture seems to be all about getting rid of negativity. Almost every January I hear/read about people's New Year's resolutions to get rid of all the negativity in their lives. Everyone is focusing on the positive and not leaving any space for the negative. Unfortunately I believe this is contributing to the problem rather than helping. I recently had an elderly friend who was told by his doctor that he might have a year left, if he's lucky, and there's nothing that modern medicine can do. When this information was passed on to his wife and friends, the response was always some variant of “well doctors don't know everything, you have years left if you stay positive and motivated.” Well, this is not the response he wanted to hear. He understood that there was always a chance to beat the odds. What he needed and wanted was help to get himself and his family ready in case he didn't beat those odds. No one acknowledged the real chance that he might die, any day, but most likely on a day within this year. Everyone just ignored that possibility and pushed on to “stay positive.” It's not just his situation either. Every day I see more and more positive statements and encounter people who ignore the negative. We, as a culture, are forgetting how to cope.

     Coping mechanisms are vital to life. They help us accept that bad things happen. They help us to work through hard times and grow as an individual. Without coping mechanisms, we don't work through negativity, we just bottle it up and push it down. When we don't deal with our “darker” emotions, we begin a life ruled by avoidance and occasionally those emotions we are avoiding will creep out in unexpected ways.

     Everyone has different and unique ways to deal and cope with hard times and dark emotions. However, the journey to learning how you best deal with these emotions is fairly similar for everyone.

Step 1: Stop Judging Yourself Because of Negative Emotions

A lot of people are afraid of these negative emotions. Afraid of the pain. Afraid of the stigma. Understand that having these emotions is normal. You can be sad without being clinically depressed. You can have mood swings without being bipolar. You can feel anxious without having anxiety. These emotions are an important part of life and everyone experiences them. They are not bad. They, in and of themselves, do not indicate a problem. Stop judging yourself for having them.

Step 2: Identify the Emotion

Once you are aware that these feelings are normal, stop and identify them before you react. When you experience the pain, fear, anxiety, anger, etc, take a moment and think about it. Understand what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. Take a moment to acknowledge that you are feeling sad and why you are sad before pushing it aside and forcing yourself to “be happy.” Be in the moment with your emotions.

Step 3: Accept Your Emotions

Once you have identified the emotion and identified the cause of the emotion, you now need to accept and release that emotion. Don't hold on to it. Embrace the emotion and then release it. When you embrace your emotions, you are not controlled by them. You understand that you are not your anger, embarrassment, shame, guilt, sadness, anxiety, etc. You feel these emotions, but they do not define you.

Step 4: Welcome The Impermanence of Emotion

Emotions come and go. Welcome them, embrace them, and let them go. Don't hold on to them. Be in the moment, don't live in the past. Often when we experience these negative emotions, our brains replay them over and over again. We analyze what we did, and torture ourselves for what we didn't do. Stop. When you do that, you are not releasing the emotion, you are being consumed by it. Stop playing the “what if” game, stop dwelling on things you cannot control, stop thinking about all the ways a certain thing is destined to “go wrong.” Understand that you have experienced an emotion and that emotions are not permanent. Address the emotion and let it go so that it does not take over. Understand that you will feel them again, and welcome when they come, but don't hang on to them.

Step 5: Release Your Emotions

Once you realize that you are not your emotions, you can safely release them. Whether it's by venting into a creative outlet, talking to a good friend about it, meditation, prayer, gardening, physical exertion, or just turning up your favorite song and singing along. Everyone has their own way of releasing these emotions. Some people even have multiple ways. Find what works for you.

Step 6: Find a Balance

The negative emotions are only part of your emotional spectrum. Use these same steps for the positive emotions as well. We don't necessarily want to let go of our happiness, pride, and other good feelings. However, when we hang on to them, the negative emotions seem all that much darker. They can also blind you to very real possibilities of things such as failure. Balance in all things, including emotions, is key to staying healthy and in harmony with yourself.

     I hope I have provided a little help and support for your negative emotions. If you have any questions or comments please leave them below.

Resources:

Accepting Your Darkest Emotions Is The Key To Psychological Health: Quartz Media: https://qz.com/1034450/accepting-your-darkest-emotions-is-the-key-to-psychological-health/

Are You Afraid of Your Negative Emotions?: Nerdy Creator: http://www.nerdycreator.com/blog/negative-emotions/

Dealing With Difficult Emotions: Kids Health: http://kidshealth.org/en/teens/stressful-feelings.html

Emotional Acceptance, Why Feeling Bad Is Good: Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201009/emotional-acceptance-why-feeling-bad-is-good

How To Use Mindfulness To Work With Negative Emotions: Mrs. Mindfulness: https://mrsmindfulness.com/mindfulness-for-negative-emotions/

Is Accepting Unpleasant Emotions The Key To Happiness?: Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201708/is-accepting-unpleasant-emotions-the-secret-happiness